It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
