it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
