I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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