My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
