chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize