What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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