i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
