things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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