I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
