If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
