somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
