Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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