Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
