woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
