I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
