I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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