I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize