Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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