I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
