Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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