Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
