you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
