I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
