Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
