Soap is not a condiment
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
