I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
