My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
