Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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