i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
