There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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