My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
