We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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