I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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