He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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