You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
