Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
