All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize