Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize