then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
