On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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