i think my tv is drunk
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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