apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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