I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
