Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
