Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
