I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
