I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
