she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
