I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
