his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
