apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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