Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just blew my weed a kiss
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
