I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize