got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize