The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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