I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
