i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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